A Major Recipe for Disaster
by batman100
Summary: When it comes to dinner at the X-Mansion, everyone ends up with a heaping, helping plate of total, seemingly endless insanity.


**A Major Recipe for Disaster**

**The disclaimer saying I don't own anything of X-Men: Evolution has been turned into crisp burnt hashbrowns. Hopefully they should get better…Maybe. Enjoy!**

"Ok, guys. I know you're all starving, and I know you're all begging not to have Kitty cook dinner." Jean explained as the X-Men listened intensely, except Pyro who was munching on Scott's new sneakers

"HEY! Those sneakers cost me $45 a buck, plus a bleedin' Visa card!" Scott snapped, struggling to remove the sneakers from Pyro's mouth like a game of tug-of-war, minus the 'tug' part.

"As I was saying…" Jean groaned; rolling her eyes before continuing "Kitty is visiting relatives in Germany for the week, so…" before loud whoops of victory erupted

"YES! Yes yes yes! Oh happy day!" Logan cackled maniacally, chopping up Kitty's cookbook with an axe

"Finally, my prayers have been answered! Thank you Allah!" Rogue hollered, ululating wildly before Jean whistled the team to zip it

"Geez louise, save the party for **LATER** for crying out loud!" Jean hissed as the craziness settled down. "Thank you. Now, as I was saying…"

"We know. Kitty's off to visit her folks in Nazi Germany, yada yada yada…" Lance rambled before Kurt cleared his throat

"Lance, for my praise in honoring the survivors of Auschwitz, please do **NOT** reference **ANY** parts of the Nazis. Capeesh?" Kurt grumbled, his hand on Lance's shirt collar

"Uh… ja, Herr Wagner." Lance replied in garbled fake German. Kurt nodded understandingly and released him

"Note to self: schedule these meetings before dinner." Jean groaned to herself before continuing after being interrupted twice, knowing three's the charm

"Excuse moi, I beg to differ!" Kitty gruffly snorted from her cabin in Dusseldorf

Ok, ok! We won't insult your cooking through the rest of this fanfic!

"That's better. I got my eye on you, bub." Kitty snorted, while drooling over the photo of Lance

Uh-huh… Anyway, let's see what Jean was **about** to say, shall we?

"Now, while Kitty's gone, the rest of you will have to work around for yourselves and start making your own meals. Starting tonight, you will be split into two groups to fix dinner." Jean ordered, finally finishing her statement

"Let me get this whole mumbo-jumbo straight… **You**, the lady of the house, want **us**, the occupants and mischief-makers of the house… to fix dinner?" Remy asked confusingly

"That's exactly what I mean, **yes**." Jean replied in a very deadpan expression

Scott paused for a few seconds before piping up "When do we start?"

Jean groaned, slapped her forehead and handed Scott a clipboard with several of the X-Men's names on it with categories

"Uh… For breakfast, Kurt, Ororo, Peter and Pyro. That's probably not such a very good idea." Scott winced

"I heard that wise guy!" Pyro piped up. Scott groaned before continuing "Lunch: Logan, Hank, Sam, Tabitha, Lance and Rogue. **Why** does Logan have the position of drill sergeant?"

"So I keep you crazies in line, along with whipping you with my belt if you goof off!" Logan snorted as Scott slowly inched away from him

"Lastly, Dinner: Bobby, Ray, Madame Hydra, Victor, Jamie and me." Scott finished as Jean swiped the clipboard from his hands

"So, basically you know what to do tonight. Have fun, and most of all: Stay **out** of trouble." Jean hissed before facing Scott "That includes you too, mister."

"Uh… do I get graded for this?" Scott sheepishly asked

Jean slowly took a deep breath and replied, "Fix dinner without any of your stupid stunts, and you get double for later" as she seductively rubbed Scott's chest

"Was that necessary?" Bobby asked, as Jean then grabbed her megaphone, turned it on, and with aiming it at his face…

"ZEUX…UN…TROI…COOK!" Jean bellowed in pseudo-French as the X-Men scurried into the kitchen

"Ok, how do you make this beef stroganoff anyway?" Pyro asked, flipping through the cookbooks for recipes

"Hand me that there yeast, would ya?" Scott ordered, as he was stirring his muskrat stew

"Here you go, brother." Peter replied, handing Scott the yeast

"Thank you, my good man." Scott complimented smoothly, pouring the yeast, mixing it and then taking a test sip "Mmmmm… ah yes, this is a piece of crumb cake! Heh heh, food humor."

"Uh, yeah. Very funny." Rogue grumbled sarcastically, while chopping up the shrimp, not noticing Kurt's tail was conveniently draped on the chopping board

"Sam, could you hand me the salt-EEEEYOUCCH!" Kurt screamed in pain, as the X-Men watched in shock

"Uh, sorry Kurt. I don't know where the salt-EEEEYOUCCH is located anyway." Sam muttered cluelessly before Madame Hydra grabbed hold of his shirt collar and shook him silly

"Not that, you ninny! His tail's been chopped half-off!" Madame Hydra hissed as Kurt then glared at Rogue

"Uh… Oops." Rogue winced, as Kurt slowly faced her

"Rogue…Let me ask you… Does **THIS** look like shrimp?!" Kurt bellowed, holding his bent tail in pain as Rogue stared in confusion

"Huh? Kurt, for goodness sakes, speak English." Rogue snapped, only for Kurt to grab her shirt collar

"I **said** does. My. TAIL. Look. LIKE. SHRIMP!" Kurt barked, emphasizing his sentence

"Ok, question: Is the oven supposed to do **that?**" Pyro asked, as his stroganoff was burning in the oven

"Pyro, this is no time for… OH MY GAWD! SOMEBODY GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER **NOW!**" Scott roared in horror, scrambling frantically for a water hose, bowling over an unsuspecting Logan in the process

"One of these days, I'm gonna nail that maniac's shoes to the floor." Logan grumbled

"What did you put **IN** this stroganoff anyway?" Rogue asked between holding an air oxygen mask

"Uh, some beef, pepper, a bit of flavoured vanilla, and some…" Pyro then muttered incoherently

"What?" Rogue asked loudly

"I **SAID** I PUT PINECONES IN THE STROGANOFF!" Pyro bellowed, as the X-Men stopped what they were doing and stared at him slowly "What now?"

"Let me get this straight: **You**…put **PINECONES**… in a beef **STROGANOFF?**" Remy asked in disgust

"Yeah, I did mate! It was in the ingredients list here!" Pyro cheerfully responded, his hand on the page of a dog-earred cookbook

"Gimme **that**!" Victor snarled, snatching the cookbook away from Pyro, browsed through the pages, before Scott noticed Victor's face started turning green

"Uh, Pyro? What **else** did you put in that stroganoff? And… what in the name of **Gandalf** is that nasty smell?" Scott nasally wheezed, fanning the noxious fumes with his hand

"OH MY GOD THAT'S DISGUSTING!" Logan echoed in horror, stumbling into the kitchen before taking a triple sniff before his eyes started to widen "What the hell did you make? A stink bomb flambé?"

"No, Logan, I made a Brazilian saliva pie." Scott replied sarcastically as Rogue started retching in the sink

"Ask a stupid question…" Logan groaned, before coughing loudly as a loud beeping noise echoed, "oh for the love of Cher, what the heck did you do **NOW**?"

"I think I know…" Sam meekly piped up, as the oven was about to overload

"Guys, I think I'd cover my ears if I were you, this could get pretty messy." Victor warned, as the X-Men took cover in the cupboard basement, before Logan grabbed Scott and placed him in as well.

"Well, so far it's a quarter to seven, so…" Jean muttered, about to enter the kitchen when…

**KA-BOOOOMMMMMMMM! BANG BANG BANG! ZING ZING!**

"AAAARRRGGH! It's raining beef meteors!" Victor bellowed, as a giant burning beef crater struck the centerpiece table

**BLAM!**

"What in tarnation is going on here?" Jean roared, bursting the kitchen door open, to see a funnel of knives aiming at her direction

"Meep." Jean whimpered, bracing herself before Scott accurately saved her from harm's way and got in the cupboard

"You ok, Jean?" Scott's voice asked, rubbing a large, furry mound of hair

"Who **IS** this?!" Victor's voice snarled as Scott jumped back

"Oops. Sorry Vic." Scott replied

"Eh, that's alright, kid. Jean's over here next to me." Victor responded, directing Scott's visor to Jean's leg

"Jean, you ok?" Scott asked, trying to find Jean's lips

"Uh, Scott? Two things you might wanna know." Jean's voice piped up seductively

"What would that be, tigress?" Scott purred in a manly tone

"One: You made the dinner fabulous." Jean stated, starting to remove Scott's shirt

"Yeah, if by fabulous, you mean making this scrumptious muskrat stew, along with allowing Firebug to turn the kitchen into a war zone, then yes." Logan's voice gruffly snorted

"And second… Come here and be a man, Fabio." Jean purred, having removed Scott's clothing

"Oh, oh Jean. Yeah, yeah, now we're talking honey." Scott's voice gasped in amusement

"Oh my **GOD**, I definitely did **NOT** hear that!" Logan grimaced in disgust

"Oh, oh you like that, huh babe? Yeah, tiger, I know you love it, yeah, you love it don't you honey bunny?" Jean teasingly purred, as she started smooching Scott's bare chest

"Oh good, dinner and a show." Logan sarcastically groaned as Scott and Jean continued their, um 'get-together'

"Should we get out of the cupboard?" Rogue asked

"Nah, this is way more entertaining." Logan cackled in delight as Lance stared at him weirdly

"You're disgusting." Lance grimaced, inching away from Logan before a green glow appeared

"Holy… what the hey **is** that?" Kurt asked

"It's my glow-in-the dark South Park Calvin Klein undies." Logan grinned deviously

"And…?" Bobby asked gapingly

"And I'm not wearing any pants." Logan whispered

"EWWWWW!" Kurt retched in embarrassment

"Oh Jesus, GET ME OUTTA HERE!" Lance bawled hysterically, busting out of the cupboard and dove onto the couch

"Wha…?" Warren asked in shock, completely mortified by seeing Logan in his Calvin Klein, Scott and Jean bare **naked**, the rest of the X-Men looking away

"Uh… hi, Warren." Scott sheepishly replied

Warren then made a major about face and walked up to his bachelor pad. "I see nothing, I hear nothing, I know **nothing.** I did **NOT** see Scott and Jean naked…" mumbling incoherently with every step

Scott listened if Warren was able to hear him then finally heaved and grumbled "When is he **ever** gonna learn to always, always knock before entering?"

"You're telling me. I mean, doesn't **ANYONE** have any privacy?" Jean replied


End file.
